To Pune, R, Rachita and Love...

It has been a long tough year..
A year of mistakes...
A year of wins..
A year of losing friends and finding new ones..
And finding a true friend in a lost love..
And finally discovering love again..

It has been a beautiful year..
A year of growing up.. A year of feeling betrayed..
A year of feeling completely and totally secure...

The year began with new experiences... some bitter and some absolutely yummily sweet ones.. the year began with leaving best frineds behind... Nikhil, Uttam, Mike, Gopi, Swas, Shreeya, Gauri... Thank you for shaping who I am today..
Thank u Nikhil for taking care of me n loving me.. You influence me and I learn from u everyday...

The year hit its midway streak with a mistake and I nearly lost R in all the chaos.. But we made it.. we learnt new sides of each other and became friends like we'd never thought we would be... We made it through the storm Dean.. We made it through all the demons and shapeshifters.. And now you have finally found what you had been waiting for, for so long.. :)

The year entered a beautiful phase when Rachita, oh so sweetly, brought someone in my life whose charms I resisted stubbornly, only to fall completely head over heels for... :)
Thank u Rachita.. you're slight insight into what I'd like, has given me happiness beyond words...

And finally to the man who makes me smile like a 1000 watt bulb.. :)
I dont say it enough and I dont say it often.. I love you. Your little quirks and the things you do for me have changed my world... I know you think I dont notice them but I do.. I notice every lil tiny gesture and appreciate every sec that I spend with you.. I value all the nights you sacrifice your sleep just so that I can talk to you.. walking up the stairs and finding you standing there, waiting and smiling at me makes every single horrible day worth it :)
You have given me a reason... a reason to believe... a reason to care... you are making me a better person.. Thank You for messaging that night... Thank you for taking me to Morrison.. And thank YOU for asking me out and acting like it was meant to be :)

I am not confused.. not anymore...
And I haven't been this happy in ages...
Yet I feel like there is something missing somewhere... Like I had to do something.. But I cant remember what..

I feel like I have swayed from my actual purpose... the funny part being I have no clue what my actual purpose was.. Nothing stops the constant buzzing in my head.. And the buzzers keep blowing off like an alarm at the end of each day screaming that I've wasted another day doing something that I don't really believe in..

They all tell me I am trying to be a Don Quixote, expecting to change the world... And what angers me most is that I have no arguments to defend my stand...

I am swaying...

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.
Plato

I am desperately trying to recount everything that happened last evening.. I am desperately trying recount every word that left my mouth... And I am exhausted...

I have fucked things up and I dont completely think I am wrong... I want to go back to pune... I want my friends P, U, M, C, G, Swas and shreeya... I want to hide myself in P's blanket and have him laugh at my stupidities... I want C to tell me that I am overreacting and behaving like a blonde... I want M to sympathesize and G to make fun of me... I want them to crack nasty jokes and I want to throw a tantrum... I want to dance with U and C and see the sunrise... I want Swas to come back... I don't want Swas to leave... I want shreeya to convince me about things I have stopped believing in.. I never should have left Pune.. I am still the caterpillar and I was forced out of my cocoon... I am not ready... I don't understand people and their sentiments... And I don't understand when to talk and when to shut up... I need my guys who didn't care... who understood my follies and loved me anyways... who made me cry and made me laugh but never left me...

I am alone the second time round... And I feel the same pain... the same pain I felt when you left the first time... I am not smart enough or strong enough to deal with this... I am not intelligent enough to understand why you've left... My head is buzzing with static...

I need my guys and Swas... or I WILL go insane... there is nothing for me here in Delhi... Nothing at all... and I HATE THIS PLACE...

Crash and Burn

No... She wasn't dreaming. It was as real as it could get...

The rains weren't just washing down the dust off the dry windows of this oddly functioning aircraft, they were also washing out the guilt. She was done playing games. She was done giving excuses. She was done making him wait.
But she didn't want to accept just yet the fact, that he wasn't waiting anymore..
And that she was looking for him anyways.

This was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. And yet she needed to be there.. Next to him. Even if he was going to look away. She needed his presence around her being. He was her drug and she didn't want to quit just yet. He gave her a reason to look ahead.

This was wrong. This was something that was going to push her into a deeper abyss, as if it were even possible to fall further. But she knew...

He was worth it.. worth it all...

If only's did cross her mind but she promised herself to not think of the what if's... or fantasize about the possibility of something more...

Taylor Swift's song white horse started playing in the iPod just then...
'I am not a princess.. This aint a fairy tale...'

She smiled at the aptness of these words... She smiled at knowing how well aware she is about her life. And yet how out of control everything seems to be...
She wasn't the loser here. She wasn't the victim... She was just not ready.
She wasn't ready, she felt, to stop this process.. to stop this chaos....

She was rambling again... And this time she decided not to stop. She hadn't talked for a while now and she needed to let it out...
Even if she was talking to herself.

The flight landed. Finally. It was still raining.

And there he was. Standing. He was here as a distant memory. An obligation.
But today was not the day to accept this. Today was not the day to walk into rehab and quit him.
Today she was just going to enjoy his presence and fall...

No... there was no one to catch her.
And yes... she just wanted to know how far can she fall before she crashes and burns...

I have so much to write... and yet I really don't know how to start... :)

Dilli and Zed...

Wow.. what rains in Dilli! :)
was fun.. was frustrating.. but was fun!
I was stuck in traffic for 3 hours yesterday but seriously the company was so much fun.. people kept cracking jokes..


I am sooooo glad that Zed is here in Delhi with me.. He is one of my closest friends and has a WICKED sense of humour.. I would seriously be bored and lonely if he weren't around..

Zed!!! You're the best!! Even with your crazy gelled hair and 'always-take-her-case-infront-of-everyone' sense of humour!

I am really glad you're here in Delhi too... And I know I take you for granted sometimes but hey I am the 'Bitch', right 'Asshole'? :P

We know too much.
We think too much.
We analyze too much.
And fuck up the simplest thing in the world.. Love.

I love talking about love. Thinking about it. Being in it.
I was born to be in love and love someone. It inspires me and makes me better at everything else in my life.
I don't expect too much out of it. I expect it to last. I expect to feel it.
I just don't want to compromise when it comes to the feeling.

Yet I have this nagging suspicion that our generation has become too aware to be in Love or to fall for someone crazily and move the whole creation just so they can be with them..

Our generation is too practical too logical and too concerned about their own convenience to fall in love in a crazy way. So they love (or think they love) someone in the same city even if they know that this is not it. They know that there was this person they know who is just the person they wanted but she/he is too far you see and who wants a long distance... Can you beat that! In an age of Internet, Facebook, cellphones people are concerned about distance..

There is no desire to actually do something about the distance and still be with the one they love. There is a constant fear that if they make the effort and it doesnt work out then they would have watsed so much time. And so we just let go. Because we are too smart to be in Love. We have other things on our mind.

Our kind of LOve is convenient love.


(This post is the worst ever. No edits. And god knows how many grammatical mistakes.)

You have music in your eyes.
And when you look at me I dance to your notes...

Dilli O Dilli...

Being from the services background I have never lived anywhere for more than two years except Delhi

Studied here from 8th till 11th and then came back here for vacations while I was in college. And now I am back here again to work. I love the sights and sounds of this city. The food. The buildings. The history. The language.

Yet I feel more of an alien here than anywhere else.
The constant thing of staying alert. The everyday sermons on staying safe and yet never really feeling completely at ease.

This is what I have realized about this city....
To stay safe never be alone.
If you want to be alone have a car.
But even if you have a car don't drive at night
If you drive at night then make sure your windows are rolled up so that no one knows that there's a girl driving the car alone.
Forget being independent because no one will let you.
To party you'll always need to have a man around.
If you don't want that have a house party.

Maybe I am overreacting!
But do you blame me.. At 5 in the evening yesterday when I was waiting for an auto, a van filled with guys younger to me (for sure) came up on the pavement and tried to run me over for fun. They just wanted to see my freaked out expression and they succeeded. But I cant help but think that if I had jumped in the wrong direction I might have been under that van. Would they have stopped and helped? who knows... I don't.
What I do know is that I felt pretty humiliated. Pretty scared. And suddenly very exposed..

I am adjusting. I hate to say that I am but I don't feel like I have a choice. If I want to fight back I am clueless as to where to start. Everywhere around me people have accepted the situation and to them this incident holds no importance It is commonplace.
So even I have started feeling like 'well get used to it'.. And I don't like this feeling.